Dating Down… Are You Shooting Too Low?

Ok… we all need love right?  Its not a just a want, its a need we all must have, like when a baby is born… if they don’t get touched “aka tactile stimulation” they will die.  As adults, instead of just keeling over in a week without love, we just die inside real slowly.

mismatchSo we all need love, but the problem here comes when we are so desperate to fulfill this need that we do what my friend Amanda calls “Dating Down.”  This happens when we choose someone who really isn’t up to snuff and doesn’t match our values, beliefs and standards.  Its kind of like a kid going up against a sumo wrestler.  If you think you’re the only one this happens to forget it, because it happens to everyone including me.  Yes I’m guilty as well here and have dated down many times just to get that love so I don’t feel like I’m gonna die.  Sounds kind of dramatic, but really this need must be fulfilled.

After dating down and ending up in one particularly long painful relationship, I started studying relationships from guys like Anthony Robbins and John Gray.   Only then, which was actually in the last 5 years, did I realize I needed to date up to my own values and standards. Of course this is easier said than done as I found myself right back in the dating down cycle.  Why?  I didn’t really get clear about who I wanted to be with and stick to it.

Now I’m attracting a whole new level of partner into my life and I feel the end of my time as a single guy finally coming to a close.  Now just a word of caution… even though someone may appear up to snuff and in your league, there is usually a skeleton or two buried in the closet that can surprise even the best of us.  So how can we avoid “Dating Down” or getting caught in a relationship with skeletons causing us night mares?”

  • First, get clear about who you want to be with… write down their values, beliefs, looks and likes then look at them every day once or twice a day and envision yourself with someone like that.
  • Second, get yourself in proximity!  Go to the places people hang out that have your values, likes and hobbies.  I’m a yoga instructor and musician so I gel well with yoginis and musicians and frequent yoga and musical events… if I can get a lover of both I’m in hog heaven.  
  • Third, once you hook a big fish, ask the right questions and don’t wait too long.  This is a big one.  Don’t wait 2-3 months to find out if they even want a relationship or if they want marriage and kids.  These are deal breakers and you don’t want to invest a bunch of your time and energy, not to mention your heart, into something that ain’t gonna work out no matter what.  Some other really important questions are:  What do you love to do, what do you hate to do, what do you believe spiritually.  These questions should be asked in the first month of dating, otherwise you’ll invest your heart and get it wrecked when you find out your big fish is actually a soft squid. 

Cheers to Dating up!  Feel free to comment below.

Lots of love, Chad