I’ve been struggling of late due to a dysfunctional romantic relationship where I’ve showed up with more love than any woman could possibly want or need, yet it simply wasn’t reciprocated to me. The result, as you can imagine, was built up resentment on my side and built up guilt on her side. Although a relationship expert might tell you that there are 3 or 4 things that could happen to the relationship in this situation there’s really only 2 that SHOULD happen.
1) The first is that the other person rises up to meet your needs and grows the relationship. This is always of course anyone’s first move, which is what I tried to make happen since we had some amazing life long goals and values aligned. I took her through a “values alignment” for relationships, which I learned as a Master Results coach and three of our top 5 values lined up and we were feeling much closer, then one week later her automatic thermostat which was set for “crazy making” “a tendency towards selfishness” and “unworthiness” kicked in and quite naturally, although abruptly and painfully, she chose the second option of what SHOULD happen when someone can’t meet your needs.
2) The second is that the other person simply leaves your life, hopefully if you’ve played your cards right, of their own accord. In my case, my needs of having a partner that would give equally to the relationship were not being met. Since I’m a fixer and a fighter I never give up on something worth while unless its really bad so I came up with solutions. She, on the other hand, simply didn’t have the capacity to give equally and the pain of delivering to meet my needs outweighed the pleasure of being in the relationship. Without a doubt, breaking someones heart is my biggest weakness, thankfully for me, she left of her own accord.
What I realized about myself is my own tendencies to stay in a relationship way too long and not ended them even when I knew they were wrong because the pain of breaking someones heart was greater than the pleasure of being with someone I really deserved. What an amazing benefit that I wouldn’t have to break someones heart or struggle any longer with someone who couldn’t be a partner.
This benefit was clearly a reflection of my fortune and increased capacity to give to others that I’d built over the last 10 years of my life.
The 3rd and 4th Things That Should NOT Happen
Now these two things are what SHOULD happen as they are the only two which lead to a life of fulfillment, growth and real happiness, but there is a couple other states which relationships languish in like “resentment” where you always resent the other because they never meet your needs and “repression” where you just resigned yourself to the relationship and there is no deep connection or intimacy.
To move out of resentment or repression and into the life you deserve you HAVE TO get to number 1) or 2) above. Of course there is pain involved, but we all know, no pain no gain, but the pain is good pain, it feels amazing to grow and especially to be with the one person who really loves you and is willing to grow with you.
Moving Into 1 or 2
To get to 1 or 2 above there are many techniques and methods, but the #1 factor is you need “COURAGE.” With out courage you’ll never reproach your partner and ask for a values alignment nor will you enforce it if they keep dodging it. And you definitely won’t sever the relationship as in #2 as it will scare you to death. How do you get courage?
- Talk to your friends and family or a therapist for support and encouragement
- Get spiritual! Spirituality is the greatest force for unlimited courage. If you don’t already have a practice of tapping into your unlimited courage consider reaching out to friends or teachers who you admire for their courage. Share your experience and ask for guidance on how to get more courage.
- Incantations work! You can put them down and say they are silly, but the bottom line is that they work. Try looking into a mirror and telling yourself you are strong and courageous and that you deserve to have someone in your life who will respect you and treat you like a partner.
Move to #1 with a Values Alignment
Try anyone of these and I guarantee you’ll get results. Try a combination of them or all and you’ll be living life at the Peak with very little fear and indomitable courage. Once you got the courage sit down with your partner IN PERSON to show you are real and hold their hand with love and tell them you’d like to do a values alignment.
- List your top 5 values. Things you value most in life, like spirituality, intimacy, growth, self-love, exercise, etc.
- List the ways you feel and act or the ways they feel and act when you are getting these needs met.
- List the ways you feel and act or the ways they feel and act when you know they ARE NOT getting met.
- Decide or compromise on some of these values so you are both comfortable and getting your needs met.
- Decide what your deal breakers are where the relationship would end.
- Check in every 3 months and decide if you are living #1 or #2 above.
Or Use Courage for #2 and End it.
If the values alignment doesn’t work, get courage and take action. Once again sit down with them IN PERSON, not on the phone and hold their hand and tell them you love them but you are not getting your needs met. Ask for time apart to think about it or a permanent split if you’re convinced they will never change.
Best of luck my friends
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